Okay. So here’s the thing.
I had all of these great plans. Ideas for things to write about, posts that need editing, a series I wanted to start. And that is just the blog. Don’t even get me started on the plans I have for all other areas of my life.
But life is what happens when you’re making other plans right?
What that means? I am spent. Empty. Exhausted. And I don’t use that term lightly. When I say exhausted I mean my hands are physically struggling to type right now. Walking is a labored affair. Talking is possible but it’s difficult to string sentences together. My mind all but blank. Everything aches.
If it sounds intense, that’s because it is. No way around that. But let me be clear I am not saying this because I feel sorry for myself. In fact, I am hoping (strongly suggesting) you don’t feel sorry for me either. Feeling bad on my behalf doesn’t help me. I am not a victim, I am simply a person dealing with some challenging circumstances. Challenges that I can and will deal with.
Feel with me, not for me. There is no need for the both of us to feel bad. Besides, as I said. I can handle this.
I got this.
I got this. I am smiling as I’m typing this, because I love how empowering it is. I got this! Sometimes my mind will come in to try and convince me that this is more than I can handle, but it’s not. It never is. No matter how bad things got, or will get: I know I can handle it.
And so can you by the way.
You know how I know that? Because you already are handling it. This moment right here? It’s here and you are handling it. You are strong enough to bear it because you already are.
The mind may come in again and convince you that it’s about to get worse or that it has already been like this for so long or that you don’t know when it will end. But all of that is just a story. Don’t buy it. Don’t believe it. All you will ever need to handle is this moment right here and now. And you can handle that simply because you already are.
Now that we’ve established that there is no need to pity me (or anyone ever), we can get to what is needed. What is needed here is compassion. And I am saying this to myself now by the way. I need to show myself some more compassion. Take it easy on myself. Be gentle with myself as I know, better than anyone (because I am living it) that I am doing the best I can.
All I need is time. Time to rest. Time to heal. Time to recharge. I have been through a lot and I have worked very hard for very long. And I have rested…sure! I wrote about it recently in Permission to Relax. I even took a whole week off from blogging two weeks ago. (I powered through for many months so a week off ought to cover it, right?)
I realize now that I have only ever given myself permission to rest just enough to keep going again. I would rest but after a short while I would get restless. Impatience would set in and I would get going again. Never once have I rested until I felt truly refreshed, revitalized, renewed. Quite frankly I can barely remember what that feels like.
Earlier today my mind suggested that if I needed to skip “another” (insert judgment here) week it would be failing. Then I laughed. What a ridiculous notion.
I think I have finally torn my suck-it-up muscles and that is a good thing. Yes, I have always prided myself for my powers to power through, but right now I am not so sure that that is power. Perhaps I have always powered through for fear of slipping. Fear of falling. Fear of…failing. Ouch.
Powering through is fear
masquerading as power.
“If I really allow myself to feel as bad as I feel those bad feelings will get worse and worse.” “What if I sink into a depression?” These are some of the crazy fears that pop into my head on occasion. Silly mind.
I don’t believe them though. Not anymore. And if you have similar thoughts going around in your head I suggest you don’t believe them either. They are just not true.
Today I came across this quote:
“To curse the act of falling down on the path
may be to curse the very thing you needed to experience
to take the next step.”
The old way was to power through and had me driving on empty. Barely getting by. Surviving, but never thriving.
The new way starts with me powering down. Where the old way was me resisting that, fighting that, the new way starts with me allowing that.
What the next step is? I don’t know yet. What the new way looks like? No idea. But right now I am comfortable not knowing. What I do know is that my body’s breakdown is what will set me up for a breakthrough.
Maybe I will be back next week to tell you how the resting is going. Maybe I will skip a week, or two, or five. Maybe I won’t. Right now, I can’t tell. That’s okay. I do know that I will be back and when I am ready I will be better for it.
How about you? Are you also one to keep powering through? What do you think would happen if you gave it a rest? And I mean literally gave it a rest? Or is this not an issue for you and do you perhaps have ways in place to keep the balance?
I’d love to hear.
In the meantime I will be resting. Giving myself what I most need right now. It’s kind of nice that feeling this bad (physically) can feel this good. I got this.